Running.......

That's what we do best.....run.  Most of the time we do not realize that we are running.  Most of the time we don't understand what it means to run.  We cannot  or shall I say choose not to recognize that the things we need are the things that we are leaving behind.   We are living in fear and doubt of who we are and where we are going.  We discover that life is hard.  We are running in a way that exhausting.  Imagine an endless staircase that goes straight up a mountain.  At some point we get tired.  We have to sit and take a rest.  For most, this is probally the hardest rest to take.  It is admitting that you cannot do it.  You realize that you are failing....

But in reality this is one of the most beautiful moments in life.  A life that is not yours.  A life where you are not just simply living,but you are rejoicing in the LIGHT of a Risen King. 

But you soon realize that the running must start again.  As you rise to your feet, bruised and sore, you see that there is someone running with you now.  There is something that is making this easier.  You are now not running against the wind, you are now running with the one that made the wind. 

Then you experience something even more amazing!   You now have a dream and a desire to run toward.  The things that you have always wanted are now making sense.  Everything is falling into place. 


This is a personal story for me, as most of my writings are. This is a place that I have come to see and realize as time is passing.  All of the  energy that I waisted over the paast 10 years trying to make God fit into my plans instead of realizing that God's plans were  for me to fit His arms. 

For a while God has been stiring inside of me to make some changes.  God has changed so many aspects of my heart.  Cheif among them, my desire for the nations.  But there is one nation in particular that I have a burning Passion for.  I long for Ireland. I long for a people that have had years of darkness and doubt

a people that deserve the right to hear the Gospel ofChrist.   This is my prayer. This is my desire. 

For the last few years God has been taking me through some really rough patches so that I can become the woman that I need to be right?  When you are in the midst of the grim and blah of life, it is hard to see the Glory that will come from the tears and pain.   For every one, the tears and pains are diffrent, but they are real.   
Lately, the pain has become a more localized.  It has been focused on one area of my life.  This area has honestly caused me pain for a long time, but recently has become a joyous pain!  Let me explain....using a story from Scripture (where else?)

Jacob, the one known as the deciever, was a master at making his way known.  He used what ever he could to get what he wanted out of life.  After his mother dies, he journeys toward a new life.  He stumbles upon his mother's brother, Laban, and his sheep.  Upon arrival he feel in love!  Before his eyes lay his dream!  A woman who will fix everything!!  So, he commits to work for 7 years to marry Rachel.  Upon completion of his contract, the wedding festivities start!


Here is where the real drama starts.  Leah....oh how I identify with her.   A sister, a daughter, a friend that has never quite been enough.  Scripture says that she has weak eyes.  Whatever the writer actually intended for us to see, to me it means she simply was not enough.   Her Lord tells her, like He tells us, that she is enough.  But from every angle of her life she is being told that she is not enough.  Her husband constanlty wants another woman.  If on the off chance he comes to her, he is thinking of her more beautiful and more desireable sister.   The only that she has over "Miss Perfect" is that her womb is open!   Leah's only connection to the man that was forced to marry her was his children.   The journey that Leah takes during this process is where I will focus that rest of my attention.  

When Leah discovers that she is the only one that can bear children for Jacob, she gets it stuck in her mind that this will fix all of her problems.  This will make this man want her over her sister and in a sense give her power. 

The first son, Reuben, was intended in Rachel's heart to make her husband come to her (his name menas "the Lord has looked upon my afflication: for now my hasband will love me" Gen 29:32).   She bore this son with the distinct purpose of her husbands attention.  The second son, Simeon, brought Leah to a place of feeling desperate and hated (Gen 29:33).  The third son, Levi, was a plea for help and acceptence (Gen 29:34).  Leah's third pregnancy was one that brought forth a cry from deep within.  The forth and final son, Judah, brought forth a diffrent reaction all together...Peace (Gen 29:35). 

My joureny from agony and loneliness is not that diffrent from that of Leah.  I have always felt as though I was not enough (more maybe too much at times).  I never felt as if I matter to anyone, and sadly, this sometimes translated into my relationship with God.  I know that I am not alone in this struggle or insecurity.  When Leah was given to Jacob on her wedding day, there had to be something inside of her that longed not to be there.  But maybe she hoped that once they got married that things would be diffrent.  Maybe she began the journey of jusitification that we all go through.   We excuse things.  We allow things to happen to us that are not right.  We refuse to stand up for the things that we want  because we feel as if we do not matter.   This is the way that I see Leah.  

She was never wanted or desired by anyone.  She wasn't the life of the party.  She was plain.  Then her dad comes in and says that she is to get married.  It will be here that is beautiful and praised for a day!  It will be here that gets the "love" of  a man.  She probally got caught up in the excitment of it all and did not realize the gravity of the situation.  But reality quickly set in as the sun rose. 

Jacob, being to excited and possibly a little tipsy for the party, did not realize what had taken place.  He quickly let his displeasure be known.  He pitched a fit and demanded Rachel to be his bride.    Laben, his father-in-law, told him to finish out the week with Leah and then he could have Rachel.  
So, Leah was on her honeymoon and relaized that her new husband did not desire her, but her sister.  Everytime she was with him, he was longing ot be with someone else.  The one person that she has always felt inferior to.  Probally the one person that she probally longed to be.  

I have that person.  I have the one that I have always longed to be. I have justified situations and pushed for things that are not right, only to find that I am wrong and unhappy.  Wishing and hoping.  Longing and desiring for things that I cannot have. 

But the great thing about all of this.......GRACE!!

The journey that Leah went on from start to where we are in the story is huge.  She went from a place of desperation to a place of longing for God.  She realized that life is not about the pain.  Life is not about the disappointment.  Life is not about abandonment.   Life is about God!  It's about his pressence in you life and about realizing that through it all His name shall be Praised!!!

So..where does Jesus come in?  Jesus is known as the Lion of the Tribe of Judah!   Not Levi or Simeon, or Reuben.  Jesus came from the woman who was unwanted and ugly.  He came from the place where Leah realized the importance of God's love in major way!   

What can come from your ugliness?   What can come from brokeness?  What can come from being unwanted?  

The greatest things ever!!!!!!

Jesus not only came form this, He experinced the very same things!!!!   How much closer to the heart of God can you get?

The desires of my heart are real.  The longings for marriage, a family, and a ministry are real, for they were put there by YOU!!! You placed in me a desire to be pursused and loved as you placed the desire in all woman.  Somewhere thee is a man with the same longings as I, who is willing to fight the right battles, in the right wasy to win this heart.  But for now, as you are preparing my heart & his heart seperatley, I pray that we will not be burdened by these desires and that we would not grow to resent them, but that we would stand strong in them.  I pray that we will realize the true gravity of our dreams and what they mean to you and to your kingdom and then begin to take a new level of ownership of who we are. 
As long as it takes God~ I pray that both he and I will remain strong and faithful to YOU!!!! 
I pray that the ministries you have placed before us would thrive with our acceptence of who we are today and where you are taking us tomorrow. 
Along the way, help me to remember to pray for him!
As a man, as a son, as a minister, as a future father, as a lover, and as a friend but most importantly as a child of the King!
May he embrace his battles and bend his knees to fight the wars!

I have been re-reading one of the greatest books ever written....it is only the greatest because of how God used/is using this book in my life...if you are a woman who longs to know her heart..this is a book for you!!  if you are a guy who wants to know what a woman feels like....i totally recommened  Captivating by John & Stasi Eldridge

Sitting in the Boat

The Ladybug Story

When I was a senior in high school, I took a Speech Class.  As one of the coolest classes at good ole NCHS, it was hard to get into.  But the last semester of my senior year, I landed myself a ceveted spot.  I loved this class.  Growing up I was shy and misunderstood.  I always felt out of place, even in my own skin.  

For one of my speeches we had to give, I had to create a scrapbook of my life.  We had a certain number of pages and a few other requirements, so like any great procrastinating student, I waitied to the last minute and had to scramble the night before to get it done.  And like any good Mom, my mine had kept EVERYTHING that I had ever made and brought home from school.  So i pulled out the box and found a few items that I could use and make work, one of which was a ladybug that I colored in first grade using my innner artist adn new teal and magentia Crayola markers.  I cute that bad boy out and glued it to a piece of paper and work something on the page adn called it done!

The next day I turned in my book and didn't think anything about it.  But a few days later my teacher, Mrs. Millet came up to me as I entered class and told me that she wanted to see me after class. I got a little worried, thought that I did something wrond.  So the rest of class was quit long and uncomfortable. 

When class was over, I lingered uncomfortably for a Mrs. Millet to talk to me.  She looked at me and smiled.  And in a small gentle voice she said to me soemthing that I will never forget!

She told me that she had been in the dollor store and saw something that reminded her of me.  She pulled out a ladybug windsock.  She then procided to tell me that I was special and that God had a plan for me and that I should never forget what I had written on my page. 

She challenged me to "Dare to be Diffrent".........a multi-colored, last minute addition to a school project changed my life forever. 

Now, everytime I see a ladybug i am reminded of how God has choosen me to be a lady.  I am reminded of how God has kept me from a lot of heartache and pian.  I know that God has got an amazing plan for me!!!!